When I was 8...maybe 9....definitely at least 10 years old I loved watching what was then WLVI 56 after school. I don't remember the specific shows but it was mostly cartoons and preteen dramas (Swan's Crossing anyone). On Saturdays and Sundays the programming switched over to more adult movies and there was a strict no channel 56 policy in my house on the weekends. So what did I spend every saturday afternoon trying to do? Watch the movies without getting caught, obviously!! This coincides with the fact that no matter what is on TV my mother always enters the room during the most graphic of sex scenes. For example Six Feet Under, great show, my mom hates it because the one time I was watching it she walked in during the scene when Nate was eating Brenda out in the funeral parlor. Fine, I understand. But back to the original story.
I'm 10 years old, a childhood friend is over for the afternoon and we attempt to watch the movie "Casual Sex" on WLVI 56 and OF COURSE, get caught. At the best most casual sex part of the movie. It was a whole mess, I had to feign innocence and pretend I thought it was a Friday and that cartoons were supposed to be on. If I remember correctly the incident ended with my mother writing a letter to WLVI (now WB by the way) about how they should not be showing movies with titles like "Casual Sex" in a time slot when many children think cartoons will be on. At 10 years old I had no idea what casual sex meant. I knew what sex was. And I was interested in learning more about that. So I didn't pay much attention to the casual part. I figured it had to do with the type of clothing people wore before they had sex. Maybe I should have paid attention because Casual Sex has come to play a supporting role (definitely not Oscar nominated) in my adult life. Friendships that turn into casual sex that turn into messy situations. I want to be done with that. So enter the online dating project!
If you remember date 1 went well. We had good food, good conversation, and a fun time. He told me he wanted to hang out before I went on my vacation. (My guy informant has now told me this means he wanted to have...gasp....casual sex). I completely misread the situation so on date 2 I invited my female friend for protection and hit the movie theater. There were SEVERAL awkward moments on date 2. First, we were going to see 2001 so I casually suggested we smoke a joint before. Not ok with bachelor number 1. Fine. We don't have that in common...moving on. The movie was good, we held hands, that was tender. At dinner after the movie he talked about splitting the bill before we ordered. I ordered a margarita and he ordered an orange soda. YIKES!! Now I'm the evil 2nd date druggie and alcoholic! Slightly awkward but still...forgivable. Back to my house, I knew he wanted more than a good night kiss. I went into my bedroom to open a window and he followed me in. At this point I knew I had to redirect the situation. "Let's watch some TV!" I said brightly. It was 9pm on a Thursday. God dammit I wanted to watch the Office. Turns out that's not his cup of tea...now we're getting into the danger zone. Then he goes in for the kill, but first he awkwardly asks me to turn off the light. Cause kissing in the dark in high on my list of things to do. Again...I let it pass. Already I've made up my mind there is NO WAY I'm taking the mouse out of the house (nod to Natalie). So we're kissing and kissing and ...... I had to make it stop. I was bored and I kept alternating between two thoughts: Missing the Office and 30 rock is quite a blow and I honestly wish I was drunker. But I got what I deserved because then he demanded that I give him 20 dollars from our dinner. I wonder if I'd let him in the bedroom if things had gone differently....maybe we'd have been more casual!
Since then I've been to the East coast and returned. A positive: online dating has been a HUGE confidence boost. Not that I really needed a confidence boost, but, it never hurts. I went gung ho and set up date 3 (with a new dude) for tonight. Now, I should have known things were gonna get weird when he texted me: "I'm too horny to work" but I ignored the strange comment and decided it was still worth a free dinner. Then today it got serious. I get a text messages that says: "I'm sick." A noncommittal way to cancel but whatever. I respond telling him I hope he feels better and try to make a new plan for later in the week. He responds telling me that he's sick but also horny. The red flag starts creeping up at this point. I feel bad for the guy so I tell him again to give me a call when he's healthy. I guess that made him think we were close now because what happened next was my first Xrated text message (possibly...sexting). I was sitting alone in my classroom after lunch and had my phone on my desk. My phone lights up but it's still "working" and I can tell it's receiving a picture. My stomach starts to feel a little nervous. I don't get many daytime texts and this guy and I had been having a conversation (sort of). I held my phone at an arms length, really I thought to myself, I think this is going to be inappropriate. Still, I couldn't control my loud gasp when I opened the phone and saw the picture he had sent. (which ladies and gentlemen I would gladly load on this page but it's truly graphic!) My voice echoed in my classroom and down the empty hallway. If men think that sending a picture of their little man is enticing...well...that only appeals to certain people. And generally, you've at least met them first. Or had some kind of a sexy exchange. NONE OF THESE THINGS HAPPENED! Two co-workers who shall remain nameless made great points. First, he needed some serious manscaping! Second, if I ever met this guy there's only one body part I'd recognize. And I doubt he wants to show me that in public. Then again, modesty is obviously not an issue for date 3.
In my initial forays into the online dating world I knew no strings attached or friends with benefits was something to look out for. Now it has a new name according to OKcupid.com: Casual Sex. Two weeks ago when I first signed up for my free dating sites I did not take extra care when putting together my profile. I clicked a bunch of things I was interested in and posted up a picture. I was a little shocked when I kept getting so many emails like this one: naughtyboy: Hi, I am looking for Casual sex! Would you be interested?
I thought maybe I had done something wrong. But today after date 3 sent me the X-rated text message I was at a loss for words! This was followed by a few new emails both looking for casual sex AND one from a guy in an open relationship who's wife helped him write his profile. At this point I'm starting to question. Did I misrepresent myself? Am I only worthy of a one night stand? It was a deep dark self esteem hole that I was about to jump feet first into. Of course, I had to peruse my own okCupid profile to try and understand why I was attracting all these messages. It was then I discovered the fatal flaw. And honestly, Mom I'm sorry I ever watched the movie!!! My profile states I'm looking for: "short term relationship", "long term relationship" "new friends" and "casual sex". I was floored! I did not click this option! But then I realized just like a bad 90210 episode, I didn't UNclick that option. My online experiment was not to have casual sex with 30 guys. It was to attempt 30 real dates. Not that I'm opposed to casual sex; I at least want to get a drink first.
So there you have it. Online dating is a mysterious place full of tricks and rabbit holes and many people that want to have casual sex. I know it's full of people that don't want casual sex too. So for the next dates I will take care in all the choices for sexual proclivities. But I'm sticking with 10 year old self and the only thing that will be casual is my clothes!!
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